Pages For You
by MonumentallyObsessed
Summary: A story of a hauntingly beautiful romance, remembered by the girl it marked the most. AU
1. Chapter 1

_AN: been asked (nagged at) to re-write an old fic of mine. I was young, naive, and had appalling bad spelling then, so needless to say a myriad of changes have been made._

Prologue

**"Our song's playing, Naomi"**

Emily looked down in bewilderment at the words she'd written on the page, as if they'd appeared by magic. "The underlying assumption of Bowlby's Maternal Deprivation Hypothesis_," was _what she was meant to write_, _"is that continual disruption of the attachment between infant and primary caregiver". As the songs notes floated through her immaculate dorm room, weaving in and out of all the pages, discs and clothes that fabricated Emily's identity, she found herself slowly turning the page of her notebook.

**"Our song's playing, Naomi, this is the first time I've listened to it since she left. I want to hear it now, the memories comfort me now. It's funny Naoms, how it's only now I've realised that you were right. I would never admit it to your face though. If I did your lips would curve into a smile and let out a laugh that's effect on me cannot be described with words.**

**Trust me, I've tried.**

**I don't want you to laugh at me anymore. I've grown and become someone you wouldn't recognize. Ramble, in only the zealous way you can, about women's politics, cabinets and human rights, and my eyes won't glaze over.**

**Instead I will stare and wonder about the workings of your mind, and the things that gave you this appetite, your hunger for life.**

**You are my muse, my outlet of creativity for which I can explore the depths of my passion and talent, you knew as you took my tender hand and dragged me from super noodles and tabloids that you were going to shape me, bewilder me and care for me like no one before.**

**Just like he did to you.**

**You aren't my everything anymore, I can't feel your ache in my chest. Only your thoughts, always leading me in different directions and teasing my conscience.**

**I'm older and wiser now, I don't need your sultry hand to guide me through the delicacies of life. Maybe one day my hands will be marked and learned enough to show another how to live, like you did to me all those years ago.**

**I walk these crowded Brighton streets now as you did before, although probably not as convincingly. I can glance at rustic bars and silent street corners and tell amusing stories of humiliation, or kisses with past lovers. I can tell heart-wrenching stories about her, the one that no one talks about. I can finally accept that you're merely a story now, a story that I tell –in parts- to people around tables and bars where we all share a laugh at my embarrassment or mistakes that then seemed like the end of the world.**

**I guess for some they were.**

**Because you have given me a story, a tale that twists around my tendons and moulds my morals and virtues, I'm going to write to you. A page a day, in the hope that one day your eyes will grace my pages, and you will fondly remember your Emily.**

**Just as I remember you.**

**I'm looking out my window, and just like every time, I can see your eyes. Your beautiful, inexplicable eyes. The dazzling blue that I spent more years then I care to admit hunting for, hoping that one day I might find that colour again, and marvel at its splendour.**

**And now I've found it in the ocean, my ocean, my home. So the you I remember can stay with me always.**

**I would give all my knowledge to fools to have you as my home, so I could savour your wisdom, read the pages and eat the meals that, no doubt, have continued to shape you.**

**But you are too married, altogether too married.**

**I see how he is a part of you, his light shines from within you and makes you alive.**

**Together you will travel the world, devour the world, whilst I lounge on my sofa and try to create my own world with my words.**

**I'm sorry I didn't realise you were right.**

**I'm sorry that she had to suffer for me.**

**But really, what I'm most sorry for is the fact that you will never see these pages."**

Taking a deep breath, the petite redhead flipped another page. She closed her eyes and absent-mindedly ran her hand through her hair, slowly rolling her shoulders to ease the ache that only a student can feel. Putting down her pen she glanced around at the organised notes she'd prepared for her psychology essay.

She continued to write. Every so often she would stop, gaze outside the window and just remember. It was time for her to remember.

She wrote all night, all day, until she had nothing left to give.


	2. Chapter 2

"Can't we just sit… for a while?"

"Yeah"

Seconds turned into minutes for the two teary eyed girls. Their only connection a tiny unused cat flap in the front door. It was well over ten minutes before Emily realised that if she didn't move fast, this is how it would always stay, always close, but never near enough.

"Naomi"

"Yes?"

Her voice was raspy and made Emily shiver with anticipation.

"I…I love you"

Emily heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the door, and the warm hands that had been clasped around hers slipped away.

Too much, she thought, suddenly feeling completely exasperated, defeated, it's always too much for her.

A warm tear rolled down her cheek, and landed lightly in her lap. She didn't know why she was crying, she knew that this would happen. She knows Naomi, she knows she runs. But deep down she wanted to believe that Naomi would be there this time, that their time together had finally changed her. The realisation that she wasn't the one to change Naomi wounded her, stole her breath.

How could Emily possibly break through Naomi's thick walls she had built herself over the years, encasing her like a prison, when she was a nothing but a mere doormat? That's all she was, at the end of the day. What would Naomi Campbell want with her anyway? She'd been kidding herself, thinking that she was worthy, that she could live in Naomi's world, clutching onto the last fibres of a relationship. It was nice to be wanted by someone like Naomi. It was nice to be in love with someone you adored.

Emily groaned as she reached up to the door handle and lifted herself up, letting a small sigh escape as she let the door swing open.

A part of her still hoped Naomi would be there, with her cheeky grin and a hand held out like it was all another game for Emily to overcome – a joke to be laughed at later.

She just stood there for a while, trying not to stare at the empty space Naomi had left. She let the breeze sting her tearstained eyes, and her hair flutter around her face.

Needing to feel something other than the ache consuming her chest she eventually stepped out of the door and into the cold, closed her front door behind her and just sat. Sat in the exact same place as the girl that had held Emily's heart since the moment she saw her had fled from. She didn't care who could see her, she didn't even care if she was found by Katie or her parents, she just wanted the pain to end, and it was peaceful like that.

The silence of the night gently eased her back into her thoughts.

"_Ems…Ems!"_

_Shaken from the daze the book spines always left her in, Emily glanced around the hoary bookcase and tried -she'd become good over the years- to bottle up the urge to tell her best friend to move her boots from the chair. Effy noticed the redheads lip quiver and smirked, she sat like this every day, sprawled across two chairs with her jacket and any book she was reading at the time thrown across the table, just to see that quiver. She didn't know why it annoyed her friend so much, they seemed to be the only two students to use the schools depleted library anyway. _

"_What Eff?"_

"_Is this book any good?" Effy regrettable pulled her gaze away from the redhead and towards the book on the table, she picked it up and held the cover towards the bookcase the other girl was half hidden behind._

_Emily slipped round the bookcase to get a closer look, unhappy about her thoughts being disturbed._

_Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters, Emily mused, she'd read it. Of course she had, long ago when she was first discovering herself, and thus felt compelled to get her hands on any literature that described how she felt. It was a classic, yet slightly over-rated in her opinion, she'd been disheartened by the less than fairy tale plotline. She didn't understand how two people that loved each other, and had the instant chemistry that Kitty and Nan obviously shared, couldn't be together, the whole concept seemed pedantic and inane to her, yet it happened all the time in books._

"_Yeah, it's pretty good" Emily had never been one with words, she'd not once been inspired to write, much preferring to devour other peoples prose._

_Effy nodded to idly herself, and continued to thumb through the pages, the other girl took this as a sign that her role in conversation was over, and wandered inattentively towards the psychology section. _

_They did this every Friday after school, books have always been their thing, their connection since they were kids. Effy would lounge effortlessly on the exact same table, flicking through endless books until she found one that was just right. _

_Libraries made Emily restless, she would always be wandering around, letting her fingers run against the books spines, if it looked interesting enough, she'd pick the odd one up. She could never fathom how Effy could sit motionlessly whilst all these books were just gathering dust, waiting to divulge their stories. _

_Sometimes Emily would find a phrase in a book previously highlighted, or a page corner hastily folded over. Defacing books usually frustrated most avid readers. But not Emily, she loved spotting the tiny things that made every book original, different from the thousands of mass produced copies. These little traits signified that this book had been read by a small number of people, a group of people that had shared words and adventures. Emily had spent countless hours stopping at a previously folded page, contemplating what the foldee had thought when they had paused reading. Had they imagined the same scene as her? Empathised and agonised alongside each character like her? Did this book change their life? It blew her mind. She loved people, they never failed to amaze her._

_From her love of books grew her passion for psychology, the mind fascinated her. She hoped one day she might understand it, understand all the emotions her beloved characters felt, and try and make sense of it all. All of Emily's experiences were through the characters sprawled across pages, and she was happy living through them. Everything was easier that way._

_As she pulled out a worn copy of 'Memories, Dreams, Reflections' a flash of blue in the gap halted her monotonous thoughts. It was the most dazzling colour she had ever witnessed, a vivid blue that Emily felt internally compelled to see again. She peered through the gap, but the owner of the eyes were nowhere in sight. Half relieved, half deflated, she exhaled a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding onto. _

_Suddenly her thoughts were blank, her feet moving her against her will towards where the colour may have disappeared too. Tentatively peering around a line of bookcases she saw her. Slumped against a wall, surrounded by a worryingly high pile of books was a girl. Her striking peroxide hair fell over around her face, which seemed to be engulfed in a book. Emily didn't recognise the book, she didn't recognise the girl. She would have remembered them icy blue eyes. She willed the girl to look up, a sudden desperation to see the colour again overwhelmed her chest, constricting it. The girl shuffled, and grudgingly her azure eyes were pulled away from the book and focused, bemusedly onto Emily. They paralysed her. _

"_Do I have something on my face?"_

_Emily fumbled for words, feeling more and more dorky by the second. "huh?" was all she managed to mumble._

"_No? so you're just staring at me then?" The girl smirked at Emily, she hadn't expected such a smug comment from, what she assumed to be, a fellow bookworm. Her lop-sided grin effortlessly turned the girl in front of her into a swooning mess._

_Lost for words, with cheeks redder than they'd ever been in her life Emily squeaked an apology and staggered off to fine Effy, blinded by flashes of blue ringing agonisingly in her head._

The sound of her own teeth chattering roused Emily from her thoughts. Part of her wanted to shut away every memory of them blue eyes she'd ever had, but a much larger, weaker part of her needed their comfort. If she squeezed her eyes shut and really concentrated, Emily could almost smell her there. Imagine her warm arm wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her in close, sheltering her from the breeze. The thought gave her an unsuspecting, but welcomed sense of security. So she continued to sit there, eyes closed, imagining a scenario where Naomi didn't leave, and everything ended happily, like it did in books.

A few houses away someone else was sat in their own bed, imagining a different world, one where the person they loved, would love them back.

…

"What the fuck babes"

A dishevelled Emily reluctantly opened her dreary eyes, and saw an exact replica of her standing above her. A searing pain shot through her neck, as she slowly dislodged herself from the awkward position she'd evidently fallen asleep in.

"Katie?" Barely anything more than a hoarse whisper escaped Emily's lips.

"Who the hell did you think it was? Did you sneak out? You better have shagged a fit guy else my lie to mum and dad was a complete waste" Katie moved her leopard print glasses from her head to her eyes, and stepped over Emily as if finding her sister slumped outside her front door was commonplace.

"Katie," Emily croaked "what day is it today?"

"Christ, you were pissed last night weren't you? It's Monday, so get up, because Danny won't wait for you."

Emily cursed under her breath at the sound of that name, it was her twin sisters jerk-off boyfriend, a 'footballer' for the Brighton Reserves team, because Katie only drops her knickers for the best.

"I'm not going to school today"

"Fine," The glasses hid the look of disappointment that flashed momentarily behind Katie's eyes "whatever, just don't go round to that dirty lezzas house… what's her name Noddy?"

"Naomi, Katie, you've met her loads of times, her name is Naomi"

"As long as she doesn't fuck me I don't care what her name is, okay?"

After a few attempts to lift her cramped body from the ground, Emily looked up, desperately annoyed at how self-involved her sister was

"Katie, could you by any chance give me a hand?"

Her twin let out a melodramatic sigh, as if Emily had just asked her to run a marathon. Despite her lament Katie lends a hand, eventually pulling her sister up so she can up enter the house.

The sudden warmth of the house only emphasised how cold she was, how numb she felt. She let her feet plod against the wooden floorboards as she climbed the stairs and hurriedly fell onto her bed, exhausted. She knows she should probably go to school, but the thought of facing Naomi after last night was too much for anyone to handle, and one more glance into her striking blue eyes might cause Emily to crack.


	3. Chapter 3

"Shit"

Emily groaned out loud as she woke up and realized where she'd been lying. Slumped impetuously onto her cupboard door, the vodka bottle she'd curled up with had left dents in her arms. She must have dozed for hours. A slow vibration ricocheting across her floorboards slowly pulled Emily into the real world, hazily contemplating where the sound was coming from. Her head instinctively shoot up when she realised what the noise was.

The red head clumsily jumped up and dived across the room for her phone, stumbling on ceaseless piles of clothes as the vodka suddenly surged to her head, clouding her surroundings. Her forehead creased in frustration as her arms became entangled in the duvet that she swore was intentionally hiding the whereabouts of her phone. Eventually she flicked it open and waited impatiently for the screen to load.

**Low Battery**

"Fucks sake." Emily muttered under her breath whilst re-slinging her phone restlessly across her bed, refusing to give the disappointment time to consume her. The redhead turned around and scrutinised herself in Katie's enormous mirror. She was a mess, her makeup smudged jaggedly around her eyes from the abrupt crying fits that had plagued her morning. Her habitually perfectly styled hair was matted and wild, with some parts completely gummed onto her pale face. The paleness stunned her for a moment, it was much paler than her usual porcelain appearance, deathly pale. She gasped at her own reflection.

"How the fuck did I get like this?" she mumbled incoherently whilst trying desperately to rub some of the black smudges from her face. After getting nowhere, she gave up and let a lone tear roll down her cheek, she didn't have the energy to cry any more than that.

She didn't even know why she asked herself that, because the answer was clear. Ever since Emily had laid eyes on that tall, beautiful blonde just a few months ago, her life had flipped upside down.

Everything she knew had been re-evaluated. She'd found herself starting to resent her own family, despising the way they thought of people, the way they shook their heads sorrowfully when mundane things such as an episode _Will and Grace_or _The L Word_would flick onto the TV. They felt sorry for people like her, sorry that they weren't normal. Emily wasn't sorry. She had pushed away most of the friends she had, or more aptly, the friends Katie has. It was glaringly obvious to her that they wouldn't accept the way she was. They couldn't even accept the fact that she liked to read, when she could be getting drunk and lusting over guys who looked like they hadn't seen a toothbrush in weeks. They definitely didn't understand when all she wanted to do was see Naomi Campbell.

…

_It was only after Emily had finished gently placing the last of her books in to her locker that she sensed someone was watching her. Nervously, she glanced down the corridor, already knowing full well that everyone would be in their lessons by now. _

_Not many people knew about Emily's bookish trait, she liked that it was something only she and Effy shared, something untainted by the world around her, something she could always rely on. Being friends with Effy didn't do you many favours concerning the people at school. To anyone who didn't know them, it would seem they were disregarded by the other students, however their reputations were notoriously shrouded by a plethora of conflicting rumours and myths regarding the two girl's lives. The girls that only spoke rarely, and in hushed tones to each other, the girls that were never seen at any parties, yet they were known to party more relentlessly than anyone else. Emily's theory on her newfound reputation was that everyone was intimidated by Effy, afraid because they didn't understand her like she did. She assumed that associating herself with the enigmatic Stonem had allowed for the brunettes mysterious aura to rub off on her. Even the teachers attempted not to acknowledge them, never once uttering a complaint when either of them would slip into the back of lessons unreasonably late. _

_The sensation of being watched was rising, Emily tried to ignore the goose bumps prickling her forearms and continued to casually shut her locker door and fiddle with the dial. She hated being the centre of anyone's attention. She had realised a long time ago that she'd never be the centre of Effys attention, that the girl didn't gave a shit about anything. This quality about her, above all others, made Emily feel the most comfortable about being in her best friends company. _

_A rustle behind Emily made her unconsciously spin round. _

_She noticed the blue first. _

_The startling blue she had been obsessing over for days, searching for in every room, around every corner. The blonde girl had her back pressed against the wall, coolly propping herself up on one leg. Staring shamelessly at the startled girl in front of her._

_Something about the blondes grin stirred an unsuspected annoyance within Emily. The blonde knew what she was doing to her, making her every nerve a hundred times more responsive, forcing her mind to lose all its functioning ability. Emily knew she could see straight though her, she felt bare, naked under her gaze, certain that the girl in front her could see the mystification and bewilderment quilted with an unmistakeable desire within the redheads eyes. And all she could do was grin._

_If she hadn't been paying close attention, Emily would have missed the slight sparkle that flickered across the blondes eyes when they stumbled across hers. Luckily she'd glimpsed it, and it was all she needed to steady herself. If she had learnt anything from Effy, it was to always gain control. _

"_Who's the one staring now?" a wave of confidence coursed through Emily's body, permitting her to make the special effort to purposefully lower her voice to the huskiest frequency she could manage, remembering how much Effy loved it when she exploited her lisp to get what she wanted. She noticed the way the blonde took a sharp intake of breath. _

_But just as soon as it came, the confidence trickled away as the blonde rapidly steadied herself and quirked an eyebrow, chuckling self-assuredly, as if the guttural rasp of Emily's voice didn't affect her at all, never once moving her gaze from Emily's eyes. _

_By the time the blonde had pushed herself effortlessly off the wall and taken a step towards her with the smug grin still plastered across her face, Emily knew she had to leave. It was happening again. The constricted chest, clammy hands, racing thoughts…she needed to leave. Despite knowing she had to move, her feet remained stubbornly fixed to the ground. Any control she'd mustered transferred seamlessly to the girl advancing towards her. _

"_Ah, the elusive red head from the library" Naomi breathed. _

_Elusive? Emily contemplated what the blonde had just said, had she been looking for me? She took the time to remember me. The thought made Emily's heart swell and beat alarmingly fast. She repressed the feeling, realising far too late that she'd been standing there gormlessly for a socially unacceptable amount of time. This only made the blondes grin wider._

_The annoyance with the blondes' smugness returned and spread through Emily, she had to resist balling her fists up, her mind already racing with thoughts about that nauseatingly alluring grin. She didn't even ask a pissing question, how dare she smirk at me, enjoy making me feel uncomfortable, who the fuck does she think she is?_

_As if reading her mind the blonde girl changed her smirk into a slightly more soothing smile, "I'm Naomi" husky_

_Lost in a whirl of uncontrollable thoughts about the way the name Naomi fell from her roseate lips like velvet, Emily thoughtlessly muttered, almost inaudibly, yet just loud enough for the blonde to make out "Get to know me", as soon as she realised she'd vocalised that thought she internally kicked herself for letting her voice take over. This was one of the side effects of spending life immersed by fiction and poetry, rhyming word vomit. In an attempt to stop the rising flush from seeping into her cheeks, and salvage any sanity she doubted remained she quickly stammered out_

"_I'm Emily" _

_The two girls stood awkwardly in front of each other, neither sure what to say, Emily's eyes immediately dropped gawkily down towards her feet, resisting the temptation to gaze into Naomi's eyes, the blonde seemed to be enjoying this ritual humiliation far too much. Emily refused to let her see her blush._

"_Emily…" The blonde seemed to stop and ponder her name for a while, "always looking surly…ily?" Naomi crooned and then sniggered to herself, the smirk naturally returning to her face._

"_huh?" _

_Naomi stopped sniggering, instead looking disappointed that her joke hadn't been grasped. "It's surprisingly hard to rhyme something with Emily"_

_Emily couldn't control it this time, what felt like all the blood in her body flowed to her cheeks, she knew that she was being made fun of for her earlier blunder, and should take this as a justifiable reason to storm off. Yet she couldn't ignore the knowing glint in the cryptic girl's eyes. She didn't know what it meant, but she needed to find out._

"_So, Emily…" The redhead's heart sped up at the sound of her name rolling off Naomi's tongue. The blonde's eyes flashed mischievously, desperately trying to capture the shaky gaze of brown ones._

"_Want to go somewhere?"_

_Finally Emily's eyes glanced up to meet the inviting blue ones, he head still slightly lowered to hide her blush as she nodded hesitantly. Her mind had already quickly evaluated her answer, part of it knew that she was already so late for class that there would be no harm in skipping and missing the last few minutes. The other part of her mind wanted to say no, hurry back into the safety of the classroom. This part of her head prevailed._

_Unfortunately, her heart had already decided it would follow Naomi anywhere._

…

It was long before Naomi that Emily had lost trust in everyone, everyone except Effy. Effy had been there for her, through it all. Although Emily didn't quite understand why, the brunette had formerly been admired by her peers for her careless attitude to life, as cheesy as it sounded, everyone either wanted to be her, or fuck her. Right up until the day that Effy had abruptly cornered her, singled her out from everyone, took her under her wing and showed her that she was an individual, not part of Katie's grand scheme, in fact, she could be anyone she liked. That's who they were together, whoever they liked, no reservations, no expectations. Effy started spending more and more time with Emily, until all they seemed to have was each other.

The contrast between the two girls was blatant, to the point where it was inconceivable to most people how they were even friends. Effy always preferring a big party, and getting monumentally fucked off her face, losing all control in the most controlled of ways. Emily could always count on her being in the middle of the dance floor, shaking her hair and flowing carelessly to the beat of the music, shrugging off the hordes of guys who tried it on with her.

Emily would always be sitting at the back, drink in hand, watching her friend in awe, wishing that she could get that attention, and more importantly enjoy it. Emily didn't have that glow that Effy wore effortlessly, no one had ever looked at her like they looked at Effy. What she couldn't understand the most, was why every night she would disregard the boys -sometimes men- and take Emily home, make sure she was safe. She vaguely remembered that she used to fight Effy off, scared of what she didn't understand. In spite of Emily's hostility she persistently kept coming back with open arms, determined to force Emily to realise that she wasn't going anywhere, and that she shouldn't try and change something good, just because she didn't understand it.

The door knocked. Emily didn't register it at first, she was accustomed to waiting for Katie to dash down the stairs, screaming obscenities at anyone in the hall to let another one of her rowdy reserves crew in. But there was no scream, no hammering of heels and definitely no corny fiat horn. So Emily breathed a sigh, shook her head to release herself from her wandering thoughts, and headed downstairs, not really giving a fuck who saw her in this state. She didn't really have any friends that would be wondering where she was anyway.

Before she approached the door, her blasé exterior faltered marginally as she brushed a hand through her hair, attempting to make herself look a little less like she'd been roughed up. Eventually accepting that her hair was far beyond salvaging, she swung open the door.

"Emily... um, hey" The redhead stood motionless at the door, too exhausted to return the greeting. The girl in front of her, sensing this was the case, awkwardly shuffled past her through the door, choosing to ignore the dishevelled nature of the girl at the door and continued to speak.

"You weren't in sociology."

Emily slowly turned around, taking as much time as she could to close the door behind her.

Surprisingly, Effy was the last person she wanted to see. For reasons unknown to herself, Emily hadn't told Effy about Naomi, and for once, she actually suspected Effy hadn't figured it out either. The growing lies had started to affect her relationship with Effy. She spent more and more time following Naomi around the streets of Brighton, rather than adhering to her schedule of the same parties and libraries with her best friend, she'd grown tired of their routine after being unexpectedly thrust out of it. She found herself enticed by the parts of the city she'd never experienced, addicted to experiencing them with Naomi's guiding hand. She'd lived in the city since she could remember, yet Naomi had discovered more in a few months than Emily had her whole life. The guilt of keeping something like this from her friend hounded at her conscience, yet every time the opportunity aroused to come clean, something within her always held her back.

Every time Naomi would reject one of Emily's calls, or flirt frivolously with other girls in front of her, she promised herself she would saw walk away, rebuild her friendship with Effy and go back to the way things were. The way they were when things were simple.

But she couldn't, she'd lost control from the moment she saw Naomi Campbell.

Without even a second glance back to ask how her friend was, or an enquiry as to why she looked as unkempt as she did, Effy dumped herself onto the sofa, propping her feet up on Jenna's immaculate coffee table as she did so.

Emily found she didn't even have the energy to tell her to move her feet, instead she slumped into the single chair, and hugged a cushion to her chest.

After a few minutes of the TV blaring out into the room, veiling the uneasy silence between the two girls, Emily started to miss her vodka.


End file.
